Singing Karaoke Doesn't Make You a Singer; Playing Soccer Doesn't Make You a Soccer Player

The leaves, at least the ones still hanging from tree limbs, were now several shades of red, yellow, and brown...the air was noticeably brisker. There was no mistaking that summer had evolved in to fall and fall was well on it's way towards winter. That's when a decision fueled by alcohol consumption landed me on the roster of an over 35 indoor soccer squad. Turns out the beers I drank that night conveniently caused me to forget a few key factors that I probably should have considered before making my rash decision:

1) I have not played soccer on any level in over 20 years
2) That during the "storied" athletic career of my youth I amassed exactly zero championship trophies.
3) AND most importantly, as the photo below clearly shows, I was not destined to ever be good at sports.


How many touchdowns do you think I'm going to hit
today, Mommy and Daddy?

 I convince myself, however, that not only will our team be pretty good but I'll probably have some serious soccer skills developed over time and maybe I can finally capture the elusive championship that has eluded me for so many years. Sixteen games in and I'm not close to either goal. (See how I did that? How I incorporated that soccer term there? It's called awesome writing, nerds). Our team is a depressing 1-12-2 during those first 15 games and I have 1 goal while directly being at fault for approximately 40 of the ones scored against us.

The new season started last night and again, even though I have NO data to back me up, I predict that we are going to have a good season. In fact all the data suggests that I should simply accept the fact that nothing is going to change.

Game 16 starts like the 15 that preceded it. Our team plays tight D, makes the occasional run at a goal attempt of our own, and has confidence that we can win. This will usually last about 10 minutes before the wheels begin to fall off.

Minute 11 hits

1-0 the other team (always the other team)

Then Minute 12

2-0 bad guys...the nightmare begins

Aaaand then around minute 15

3-0  Team flopping jerks who beg for every call whenever
there is any sort of contact..ugh, should I fake an injury?

And make no mistake about it, these goals are not the goalie's fault. He is making every save that's not given up by defensive lapses.

He's all over the place

I even see a few upside down saves!!

Of course I may also be laying down on my back due to exhaustion (or simply giving up) and looking back towards our goal upside down.

Our team stays strong and we continue to play with some sense of purpose. We still feel like we can win this game. Finally, a glimmer of hope arises in the form of:

3-1!!! Team Little Engine That Could is on the board!



We score!!! Of course I neither scored it nor was a part of the play in any way, but nonetheless we are on the board and at half we're only down 2 so we still have a chance.

Approximately 100% of our losses have started this way.  We're down, but close. And our best field player (is that a term used in soccer when discussing someone who isn't a goalie? If it isn't let's pretend it is) tells us very specifically how we should play the 2nd half. Play tighter defense, when the man you are defending passes run towards the goal because that's where he is going, and do not give up any give and go goal opportunities. We'll create runs by playing good Defense. If you see a run developing, go with it but make sure you get back on defense afterwards.

'Sounds good genuine soccer player. I swear to God I will do all these things!' I think as we gear up to play the second half.

Of course even the best laid plans are usually doomed to fail when dealing with group of non athletic jerks who are clearly out of gas within 30 seconds of the start of the 2nd half.

Minute 1

4-1...this is gonna get ugly real quick I bet

Minute 3

5-1...urge to cry, because there is still 22 more minutes
to play, rising

Minute 4

5-1...hmmm, I wonder what Butters the cat is doing right now

At this point any semblance of organized soccer play is not being displayed by our team at all. There are 2-3 field players still playing hard and our goalie is still making sick saves.

(God)

(how I freaking)

(hate these guys!)

In fact he is making even more spectacular saves thanks in part to the rest of the field players who aren't doing much good at this point. We basically look like a bunch of idiot peeps out there running around with out any real sense of purpose or direction...just running around until something or someone tells us to stop.

oh, I'm going to go over here...now I'm going to go this way
oooh, look at that over there, I should check that out.

The games goes on and more goals by the opposition are scored. And while our fearless goalie exhibits a calm demeanor towards his teammates, deep down I know that his soccer heart and his soccer soul are filling up with Ren Hoek-like murderous rage.

You eediots! I will keel you all!

And really, no can fault the poor guy. After every game the other team will always say something to the effect of "The score should have been more like 30-1 instead of X to 1."
(were X could equal 5,6,7,8,9,10,11, or 12)

Mercifully game 16 comes to a close, a 7-1 loss....and this morning when I saw our goalie (we be co-workers) I told him that I had a good feeling about next week's game.

Ahhh, the eternal denial of the optimistic mind... Making judgements based on reasoning and hard data is boring...ask my sister in law - she's married to a civil engineer.