Like, Not Like Part 1

Most of the time I do not like angry faces. Something about them makes me want to punch them in the face...but as the graph clearly shows, this is not absolute.

Young, Loud, and Stupid

There have been many times in my life where I would awake, and before even my eyes would fully focus, I would light a cigarette, inhale deeply, and begin to piece together the night before and wonder how it could have gone down the way it did. I'd lay in bed a for few minutes with my one forearm over my eyes, the other carefully positioned in a way so that if the cigarette I was holding decided to let some hot ash fall off, my nipples would not be in harm's way.


As I'd get out of bed the reality would usually start to set in - I did some very stupid things last night. I'd get to the bathroom, drink a ton of water from the faucet, throw some on my face, and by the time I am facing myself in the mirror I know...It's practically written on my face:

I was a jackass last night.

This is one of those stories. It's September of 93 and I'm starting my junior year of college at West Chester University. I'm pretty psyched because it's the first year I'm living off campus. In my mind it's one of those big leaps you make while you evolve to a grown up. (side note - since that time I've only made the following "leaps" - got a job, live on my own, and adopted a pet, a cat named Butters. That's it). There are 5 of us live there and one guy, Dan something (I'm the worst rememberer of names ever), is 21. The rest of us are 20.

It's the first weekend and it's decided that we should throw a party. Why not it's the first weekend of the semester, and while we are all aware of the routine - that the first weekend cops are pretty hard ass about underage drinking and loud parties - we figure we'll be smart enough to keep the party in line and not let it get out of hand. We're really only going to invite girlfriends, some of their friends, a few of our friends, and the 4 cute girls we just met who live above us. Clearly there will be bigger parties out there at frats and whatnots. We'll be fine.

So we get 2 kegs and the party starts off as planned. 20-30 people. Music playing, kids dancing, Play and I have a classic rap battle where in the end everyone wins and life is good!

oh wait, that last part is actually from House Party. But our party was just like it otherwise...well it was definitely more pasty...and the ratio of girls to guys probably wasn't has high as it was in House Party...and since it was early in the evening and no one was drunk there probably wasn't that much dancing...

OK, now this picture is definitely a better visual representation of the night so far! But things quickly spun out of control from this point on. By the time hour 2 of the party started we were up to probably 100 people or so. We should maybe be a little concerned...however the beers are starting to kick in, no one is worried and life is good...for about 10 more minutes. Right then we here the unmistakable loud knocking by someone who is clearly not happy to be outside our door. It's a cop...he comes in and he is pissed.

He demands that everyone that doesn't live at the apartment to get out. People start to pile out quickly. We know were are screwed at this point. The cop finds out that Dan is 21 and the rest of us are not...so he decides to write him up for disorderly conduct....not bad as we collected a few hundred from the party goers...unfortunately the officer also took our taps so we can't get back to drinking our precious, precious beers.

Our house actually got mentioned in the paper the next day in a front page article in the local paper about how the beginning of the school year always brings back all the underage drinking. Yep, we were such bad asses we made the paper...and we were even bigger losers because we all made a copy of the article so we could keep it. See!

After Dan is given the citation, he throws it on the kitchen table and walks way. At which point I make what I figure is a wise decision and put the citation in my back pocket so we don't end up losing it.

We then determine that we should hit some parties, have fun, and when the time feels right, grab the taps at these parties so we can drink the kegs late night at our place. At this point my girlfriend shows up with her friends and I tell them what happened. She and her friends want to chill for a bit before heading out to any other parties and suggest that the one guy from their group who is 21 go get a bunch of 6 packs. Seems like a good idea to me, plus Jake's Bar is only a few blocks away. So I walk down there with the girlfriend, another girl that she's friend's with, and two guys they know but I don't. They are, however, 21 and that is all that matters to me. So guy one goes in to the bar, gets two 6 packs, hands them to girlfriend's friend, and walks in to get more. Then around the corner come two cop cars...

Mother 'effer!! The cops this time are more harsh. Not only is my girlfriend's friend getting hit with possession of alcohol by a minor, they are taking her to the police station. Awesome. This girl is now a mess, crying and pleading with the cops forever trying to get them to let her go with just the fine. But it's not happening. Bye-bye girl I hardly know! But of course my girl knows her and we can't just leave her stranded. So we look for a pay phone...you know, since this is 93 and only people like Zack Morris have cell phones. We find one and I walk up to to to call the police station.

I call the cops and learn a) that they will release her to someone if they come get her and they are sober and b) where exactly the police station is. It's about 1.5 miles away. Ugh...so we start walking to go get her. You ever a see young kid, like on the boardwalk, with his parents and they are just so cranky/tired/and unhappy they abruptly go to the ground and start bawling and begging their parents to carry him/her? Mentally I am there...

But we get to the station, they release the girl to us, and we make the trek back home. Upon getting back home I see the roommates are back and they stole taps (yes!!) but they aren't compatible with our kegs (boo!!!!)....no matter though as my girlfriend's friends came through and were able to get a bunch of 6 packs. So we hang out and drink beers for a few hours, play drinking games, and joking about the night's events.

Around 1AM the girl and her pals decide it's best they go back to the dorms. I, of course, decide to walk them. As we leave I grab my beer...and I can still remember the following conversation as if it happened yesterday.

Girlfriend " Do you think it's a good idea to take that beer with you after all that happened tonight?
Me "How can it get any worse?"

So out the door we go....we get to the end of my block when the cop's lights are turned on. In a matter of moments everyone with me scatter like startled wildebeests....knowing that I was blessed with very little speed, I decide to just put down the beer can and calmly keep walking. Piss poor plan as in about 0.5 seconds I hear "Stop right there!" And I think, why does that voice sound familiar? Is this a friend of mine?? Oh man that would be so sweet!...right now I can't see the cop because it's pitch black out and his spot light is shining right on me...he orders me to the car. When I get there I realize where why I recognize him.

Yep, it's the same cop that was at our house earlier and gave my roommate a citation. So we go through the motions of why he stopped me...tells me I'm getting a citation for underage drinking and then he pats me down and makes me empty my pockets...in one of the pockets is the citation for our house. The cop examines everything I hand over, including the citation...when he gets to it he initially seems a tad confused...then realizes the deal and says to me (his exact words) " Are you one of the idiots from 525 S Walnut??"..."Yep, sure am." I reply...As for his follow up question? Well I had no answer for it....and today I still don't. The question was "How in the hell can you be so stupid??"

And the beer that I just couldn't be without with for the 15 minutes it would have taken me to walk the girl home?

Science Keeps Ruining Things

Oh you silly science, where would my life be without? You make TV and video games possible...and probably the internet. All awesome stuff. But you also can ruin some things. Below is a little pictoral I made of stuff that you have ruined, science.

I hope no one cares I took their pictures off the internets to throw it up on my sweet blog!

















How awesome is the windmill on the left? Can't you picture a young Dutch fella behind it with his lady friend, trying to get all touchy/feely with her? Very romantic stuff, right?

But then science got involved, changed the name from windmill to wind turbine (which, admittedly, is a more awesome name), and streamlined the design to harvest wind at a high efficiency so it can be used as an alternative energy source. Boring...
















Ah, pie. Who doesn't like a good old fashioned pie? It's tasty. Some are filled with meat (my favorite stuff to eat)... and who can forget the Bugs Bunny cartoon, Slick Hare, where he repeatedly throws a pie in to Elmer Fudd's face? Classic comedy.

Then what happens? Some math nerd decides -"Hey, we need to learn more about circles. Let's make up a number that never ends and call it Pi. Nerds will probably hold competitions to see who can cite it to the most decimal places."

Awww man, can't pie just be something we eat or throw in to someone's face?

Science is responsible for breast implants and this...well this here is a pretty poor example of science ruining stuff....so we're moving on...



















Heaven!Pretty much everyone I know wants to end up in Heaven after they die. Of course my heaven will be more awesome than this artist's rendition, what with all the 80s dance parties and body shots that will be going on. And my Heaven will have a lot more pools than lakes, rivers, seas, oceans, straits, gulfs, lochs, ponds, steams, creeks, and moats. I would, however, like to hang out with lions and tigers without fear of being mauled. And the idea of a Creator and a Heaven seen pretty legit. It makes me think that maybe those 3 hours of community service I've done during my life may pay dividends when I meet the big guy in the sky.


Then along come Stephen Hawking and Leonard Mlodindow with their book, The Grand Design, where they state because of the laws of physics, like gravity, there is no need for a God/Creator to get the universe started. Thanks Johnny Science and LeoNERD. What's next? Spilling the beans about Santa to a 5 yr old while she's on the train during the holiday season with her parents? Well I've done that, and let me tell you - it's not a good feeling.

Ugh, I'll never get those 3 hours of community service back...

****So this post came to me during a quality drinking and gambling binge while in Atlantic City. And it seemed pretty funny at the time, especially the part about Pi. But that sincerely maybe the worst part about this post...even worst than saying how science ruined windmills...

The Ancient Art of Seduction?

I came home the other day and noticed a pair of my cute neighbor's panties on the floor between our 2 apartments. Panties is a great word. Sure, you initially may say that word makes you cringe, but I defy you to say it in a sentence right now and NOT start to smile and/or giggle when you get to that word.

Did you do it, 2-4 readers? Did you smile when you said it? Maybe you giggled too?...see, I told you.

Anyway, they stayed there for like 4 days before I finally realized. Oh wait, she is probably flirting me with me. I mean it's the only logical conclusion. I need to throw my naughty bits hat* in to the ring.

So I promptly scooped them up, went to my bedroom, picked out a sexy pair of my own and "accidently" dropped them for her to find...your move, lady of Apartment D...your move indeed.

* See I called my undies a naughty bits hat because it covers me naughty bits! Pretty clever, huh??