Evolution of a Nerd?

Like pretty much every human being out there, I've had several different phases to my life.

• star athlete
• guitar god
• Player (of the Jay-Z variety)
• exceptional student
• Baller (again, of the Jay-Z variety)

And last, but not least, the only phase that is not completely in my head. 

• The nerd phase.

What makes a nerd a nerd? There are many reasons: collecting comic books, being an avid video gamer, liking school, the glasses you wore and the unfortunate haircuts your parent's decided for you, also the clothes you wore...there are many more reasons I'm sure, but I'm tired of listing them, and I already hit on the topic that I would like to discuss when discussing someone's potential for nerdom - video gaming.

I will look back to my formative years (7th thru 12th grade), for each year I will take one video game that would influence how I would spend a good chunk of time during that year, and then I will see how I did with the girls. Because let's face it, the only thing that truly makes you a nerd is the lack of ladies. At least when you're young. If you're an older nerd, and rich (which happens to nerds ALL the time), you can get plenty of women. Look at Mark Zuckerberg. You know he wasn't getting any in HS, but now? My man can probably score any girl he wants.

nerd - hey, wanna hang out sometime?
girl (any type of girl) - e-gads no! Get away from me nerd!
nerd - I'm worth 5 billion dollars.
girl (any type of girl) - Wow, my undies are chaffing me,
mind if I slip them off?

Yes, I know I referred to Mark Kuckerberg previously then posted a picture of another nerd...but my man pretty much owns the Internet now. You don't think he has the capability of looking for anyone making fun of him on it, on his territory, and can have them killed? Even if it's some idiot blogger who gets like 500 hits a month?? I may not always wear a seat belt, but I know when it's smart to play it safe.

....so, moving on...

Today's post will hopefully answer the question - If you love video games, are you a nerd and destined to be pretty much lady free during the hormones raging out of  control years? Since I will be the only test subject for this study there is a solid chance that it is not a scientific study. Oh well...

This post will be focused on the male side of nerdom only.

So what will we learn from this exercise? Probably not much.

7th grade

Zelda is one of the first games I remember being obsessed with. One of the first times I distinctively remember staying up all night was when I slept of my friend's Jerry's house. We stayed up all night playing this game and I was not even close to being tired when morning came and the sun's rays crept back in to the room. I would not be surprised if we dominated 2-3 bowls of Fruity Pebbles to get our sugar levels to an appropriate video game playing level, and kept playing for a few more hours.

And of course you know eventually I killed that punk, Ganon.

Time to tally:

1. number of girls kissed up to 6th grade - pretty sure it's zero. We will go with that
2. number of girls kissed in 7th grade - zero.
3. total number of girls kissed in my lifetime - zero.

8th grade

I stumbled across King's Quest III when I was writing a destinied to be classic story using our computer. The story started off that a friend and I were hanging with these two girls at my parent's house (wishful thinking) when something kidnapped them. Why something? Because it wasn't human that kidnapped them, but I forget exactly what it was. What I do know is that they were kidnapped, and transported to a strange world that was based on several comics from whatever was running in the papers then..think Garfield, Calvin & Hobbes, Bloom County, Peanuts, and Cathy...(haha, kidding about that last one!).

My friend and I were going to go from "land to land" (strip to strip) trying to hunt this guy down  and rescue our women with the help of some of the key characters  from the strip we were currently in (only we could go from strip to strip...because obviously it would be silly if the characters could too...and I guess the kidnapper and ladies could travel from strip to strip...but I'm sure you get the idea). You know what you don't think about when you're in 8th grade? Copyright infringement.

Anyway, one day when I was writing I came across a disk titled - Kings Quest III. I threw it in,started playing, and was instantly hooked. Why was my character this poor boy and why was he working for this mean old wizard? Oh look, he's leaving to do wizard work! I can explore this house all I want! Oh, these herbs look important, I better get them. Oh, I should probably take this bread off the table too. You never know when you may need it. And this knife. Seems important, better add that to my inventory!

(if you're in your 30s but can't relate to that last paragraph, then I have to say, I kind of feel sorry for you).

So after playing this game for a long time I finally realize I need to maneuver my little fella down this mountain to the town below. So I make my way down. Only we don't have a mouse for our computer so I need to use the arrow keys. And our computer only has the up, down, left, right arrow keys. It takes me several attempts to get to the bottom of the hill. I die several times, spazz out several more times, and may or may not have cried a bit during this whole ordeal.

Finally, however, my persistence pays off and SCORE! I AM DOWN!!

Then, on the screen the following appears:

Please insert disk 2

Disk 2? Oh, snap where is disk 2??? I need disc 2!!!

I tear through the computer desk, looking over every floppy disk over and over and over AND over again...disk 2 is not here....disk 2 would never be here. Danny would never get further than the bottom of the mountain. If I ever suffered from an undiagnosed stroke it was on that day.

Time to Tally

1. number of girls I kissed in 8th grade - zero.
2. total number of girls I kissed in my lifetime - zero
3. number of strokes in 8th grade - possibly one.

9th grade



Bard's Tale III. Many hours of my freshman year were wasted, I mean spent, playing this game. Super lame graphics but addictive nonetheless. Other things that happened My freshman year of HS? I got my first school ID card...sweet!

In case of accident call a priest?? Gee, thanks, McDevitt!

As you can tell - I'm cute as hell....still:

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls kissed in 9th grade - zero
2. total number of girls I kissed in my lifetime - zero.
3. number of girls  where I got more than a kiss (this is HS..we're on to man stuff) - zero
4. number of months it took me to get caught drinking underage in 9th grade - 3

10th grade

Might and Magic II...details about this game are not important. Why? Because it's 10th grade yo. The extremely long drought is over. Kissing a girl happens!

Background story behind this paramount moment in my life:

I was at a party with bunch of seniors when it went down, with a senior mamacita nonetheless. Yes, it was a special moment but not as special as it could have been. Why? Because I was drinking that night and I was pretty tuned up. We were alone in a room, laying on the floor. She asked for some gum. I gave her some. Next up:

Yeah, I kind of blackout...but when I come back in I'm totally making out with someone...so I was pretty psyched. It would be the only time we would ever make out. I'm not sure of all the reasons we wouldn't again, but I know one of them - I asked her I could give her a hickey. She politely declined.

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls I kissed in 10th grade - one
2. total number of girls I kissed in my lifetime - one
3. total number of girls where I got more than a kiss - one (but not without some effort...albeit a terrible one)
4. number of months it took me to get caught drinking underage in 10th grade - 3

11th grade

Before there was the Sims there was Sim City. A game I remember fondly playing for hours and hours on end. Man it took forever to get loot to buy an international airport...but man was it worth it. That put your city on the map!

Another important thing to happen is that during the summer between 10th and 11th grade I landed my first girlfriend. So....

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls kissed in 11th grade - one
2. total number of girls kissed in my entire life - two
3. total number of girls where I got more than a kiss - one
4. numbers of months it took me to get caught underage drinking in 11th grade - 3

12th grade

As you can tell, there is no video game that took over a good portion of my life senior year. This is because me and the girlfriend were in full swing at this time. And as many people know, when you get bit hard by the love bug  (I really want to punch myself using that phrase...hopefully some I know will), especially for the first time, you tend to lose interest in other things.

Other things that took a back seat:

• my friends (who hasn't been on both sides of this one)
• my guitar lessons (which didn't really matter as I sucked at guitar. Most of my lessons ended up with me practicing my fingering because I couldn't play anything. My teacher was a woman...unfortunately practicing my fingering at guitar lessons was not nearly as sexy as it sounds.
• Busch beers and Marlboro Lights
• even my prized possession - my Haro FST freestyle bike (although, to be fair, I did get my license by senior year so I was driving...still that Haro deserved better)

Did I regret any on these actions even though we broke up before I graduated? Of course not...I do what I do.

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls kissed in 12th grade - zero new ones*
2. total number of girls kissed in my lifetime - two*
3. total number of girls where I got more than a kiss - one*
4. number of months before I got caught for underage drinking in 12th grade : 8 (shortly after breaking up)

* Since senior week is technically post-HS I can't count the numbers...but they would all be higher if I did!...not by much...by very little actually...but still, higher nonetheless. (shame spiral...not because of the actual past but because I felt it important to mention this)

Final Analysis:

So does playing video games make you a nerd and thus make getting girls nearly impossible? OF COURSE NOT! Duh!....God it's good that I am the one who lives in my brain.


NEXT POST PREVIEW - How far would 4 boys around the age of 12 go to try and speed up one part of puberty?? Tune in next time for that "exciting" story!

Science Keeps Ruining Things

Oh you silly science, where would my life be without? You make TV and video games possible...and probably the internet. All awesome stuff. But you also can ruin some things. Below is a little pictoral I made of stuff that you have ruined, science.

I hope no one cares I took their pictures off the internets to throw it up on my sweet blog!

















How awesome is the windmill on the left? Can't you picture a young Dutch fella behind it with his lady friend, trying to get all touchy/feely with her? Very romantic stuff, right?

But then science got involved, changed the name from windmill to wind turbine (which, admittedly, is a more awesome name), and streamlined the design to harvest wind at a high efficiency so it can be used as an alternative energy source. Boring...
















Ah, pie. Who doesn't like a good old fashioned pie? It's tasty. Some are filled with meat (my favorite stuff to eat)... and who can forget the Bugs Bunny cartoon, Slick Hare, where he repeatedly throws a pie in to Elmer Fudd's face? Classic comedy.

Then what happens? Some math nerd decides -"Hey, we need to learn more about circles. Let's make up a number that never ends and call it Pi. Nerds will probably hold competitions to see who can cite it to the most decimal places."

Awww man, can't pie just be something we eat or throw in to someone's face?

Science is responsible for breast implants and this...well this here is a pretty poor example of science ruining stuff....so we're moving on...



















Heaven!Pretty much everyone I know wants to end up in Heaven after they die. Of course my heaven will be more awesome than this artist's rendition, what with all the 80s dance parties and body shots that will be going on. And my Heaven will have a lot more pools than lakes, rivers, seas, oceans, straits, gulfs, lochs, ponds, steams, creeks, and moats. I would, however, like to hang out with lions and tigers without fear of being mauled. And the idea of a Creator and a Heaven seen pretty legit. It makes me think that maybe those 3 hours of community service I've done during my life may pay dividends when I meet the big guy in the sky.


Then along come Stephen Hawking and Leonard Mlodindow with their book, The Grand Design, where they state because of the laws of physics, like gravity, there is no need for a God/Creator to get the universe started. Thanks Johnny Science and LeoNERD. What's next? Spilling the beans about Santa to a 5 yr old while she's on the train during the holiday season with her parents? Well I've done that, and let me tell you - it's not a good feeling.

Ugh, I'll never get those 3 hours of community service back...

****So this post came to me during a quality drinking and gambling binge while in Atlantic City. And it seemed pretty funny at the time, especially the part about Pi. But that sincerely maybe the worst part about this post...even worst than saying how science ruined windmills...