...And It Was The Greatest Idea The Gang Would Ever Have

Kids do stupid things. They do things that would cause adults to ask "WTF where you thinking?". Sometimes these actions get you in a little trouble, other times a lot of trouble.  And some can unfortunately have dire consequences- like what did in poor Little Mikey from the Life Cereal commerical.

Sniff..Damn you, Mikey. I told you not to do it. I told you not eat those
Pop Rocks and then down that Coke...sniff.
(YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! DON'T TRY IT!!)

And then there are times the actions have no real consequences other than 'I probably should wait until I'm older, probably much older, before I start admitting what we did...especially to girls.' This story is sort of like one those time. Only it should probably never be admitted to...especially to girls. It's from a time period in my life where puberty was just starting. And I'm not sure how others at that age felt, but for my crew we were not happy with the speed at which parts of it was progressing.

(please note that the names have been changed to protect the innocent idiots of this story...all except mine of course.)

When we were about twelve my friends and I were a little obsessed with our body hair growing. But not just growing. It had to be the dark hairs. Peach fuzz was just no longer cutting it.

I remember one day my friend Brock and I were standing on the corner of  a street. It was summer and we were just hanging out, probably eating candy cigarettes and drinking Jolt Cola, while discussing either video games or girls we liked. I decide now is a good time to start looking for some quality dark hairs on my armpits. I pull up my sleeve and start to look. Unfortunately I see only a few pale hairs protruding from the even paler skin of my armpit.

Brock, who was watching this without much regard, because again this was pretty normal behavior for our circle of friends, suddenly states, with some excitement, "Wait, I see two blacks on the corner!"

I, of course, am beyond delighted by my friend's discovery! 'Oh man, my first dark hairs!' ...but as I search  my armpit I do not see them. So I frantically start asking "Where? Where?"
Brock points and says "Right there!"
I don't look to where he is pointing because I'm too busy looking for these damn hairs! "Where dude? I don't see them?"
"Right there, man. They are right there!"
I'm now thoroughly frustrated as I can't find them at all. 'They have to be here! Maybe they are tucked in to a part of my armpit that I can't get a good look at!' I illogically think to myself, unable to accept the fact that Brock just may be messing with me. "Seriously, dude. Where?? Are you just messing with me?" I ask.
"No dude. Two black are on the corner, just look where I am pointing!" he replies.

I finally look up and realize that he was never pointing to my armpit at all but rather he is pointing just over my shoulder. So I turn my head to see what he is pointing at.

lady 1- do you see any?
lady 2-yes, I see two whites on the corner.
lady 1- oh, you do? where?
lady2 - over there!
lady 1 - OH! you mean those kids over there and not on my head! Thank God!

Ugh, damn you Brock and your amazing humor. It is just two black women on an adjacent corner. Hope is dashed and I pull my sleeve down. One day my time will come, unfortunately for me today is not that day. I down what's left of my candy and Jolt and we head up to street to the local school yard for a game of stickball.

If you're wondering why dark hairs were so important to us, the answer is simple. Dark hairs = being a man = getting girls. It was the 80s. The girls dug hairy dudes...

What I wanted to see in the mirror's reflection.

What I saw in the mirror's reflection.

And what the mirror actually reflected
...more or less.

As the summer moved along our obsession with growing dark hairs on our chests, on our armpits, our faces, and the holy grail of areas only intensified. It wasn't unusual for any one of my friends to take a break from whatever we were doing to hit the bathroom to do some reconnaissance of our bodies, looking for those elusive fellas. However it always seem to end with the same disappointing results for all of us.

So what were we to do? Wait for nature to run it's course and just be happy with having the entire summer off to do what we please? For 99% of kids my age I'm sure that is what they would do. But not us. Not my group of friends.

So one day four us are hanging out, perhaps playing Nintendo, when we come up with a plan. A plan that we all think is a great idea. Probably the best idea we collectively ever had. Below is the basic outline.

The Greatest Idea The Gang Would Ever Have Outline

1. Get some money
2. Go to Thrift Drug
3. Buy hair tonic (for more info on what hair tonic is, wikipedia it)
4. apply to desired areas of the body
5. wait for results
6. hook up with girls

The plan is set. Now we need to execute. Money won't be the issue because, luckily, we all get allowances . For our twelve year old brains we see the biggest obstacle as getting our hands on the hair tonic. See we live in a small town. Everyone knows each other and, more importantly, most people know whose kids are whose. Going in to Thrift Drug to buy hair tonic could put us in a situation where an adult could spot us and tell our parents what we are up to. That we were purchasing hair tonic to use on ourselves to speed up puberty. Not once do we think 'Man they might think we are buying this stuff to somehow get high.'  Which of course is probably what was going through their minds. God I hope that is what was going through their minds.

And why do I think that was probably going through their minds? Because of our poor execution in getting the hair tonic. Instead of sending one of down to the store we all walk down together to each get our own bottle. We "thought" this much through - since we are all going down to the store and getting our bottles at the same time they might be suspicious and ask us what we are up to. So we tell ourselves - "Be calm if they question you. Just tell them we are getting it for our fathers." Because you know - dads always send their kids to the store with their friends to get hair tonic.

We get to the store, look for the hair tonic, find it, and cautiously approach the cashier. Whew! It's no one we know! We all get in line and each purchase one bottle of hair tonic. Four twelve year olds in a row. Each handing over a bottle of hair tonic with cash. None of us purchased anything else. I sometimes wonder what must have gone through the cashier's mind.. Again, they had to think we were getting it to get high, right?

Anyway, the excursion is a complete success!!! We are now the proud owners of four bottles of hair tonic.

today : hair tonic
tomorrow : dark hairs!
the day after that : girls!!!

We quickly get back to Brock's house and each take turns going in to the bathroom to place the tonic on all desirable areas.  And since we are twelve years old (aka - idiots) we barely wait an hour before each of us takes a turn going back in to the bathroom to see if anything has sprouted. Of course none of us so lucky.

Initially disappointed but far from defeated the fearsome foursome all agree this could take some time. The plan is to use it daily and to check at the end of every day to see if anything is happening. I'm sure I probably doused myself at least twice a day on the desired areas...focusing, of course, on the holy grail region.

The days come and the days go without much growth...then one day, about a week later. I have the discovery of a lifetime.

I drew this myself!

A dark hair!! I've done it! I'm a man...finally I'll be getting with girls!!!

And I did start getting with girls....three years, and many other dark hairs, later.

Evolution of a Nerd?

Like pretty much every human being out there, I've had several different phases to my life.

• star athlete
• guitar god
• Player (of the Jay-Z variety)
• exceptional student
• Baller (again, of the Jay-Z variety)

And last, but not least, the only phase that is not completely in my head. 

• The nerd phase.

What makes a nerd a nerd? There are many reasons: collecting comic books, being an avid video gamer, liking school, the glasses you wore and the unfortunate haircuts your parent's decided for you, also the clothes you wore...there are many more reasons I'm sure, but I'm tired of listing them, and I already hit on the topic that I would like to discuss when discussing someone's potential for nerdom - video gaming.

I will look back to my formative years (7th thru 12th grade), for each year I will take one video game that would influence how I would spend a good chunk of time during that year, and then I will see how I did with the girls. Because let's face it, the only thing that truly makes you a nerd is the lack of ladies. At least when you're young. If you're an older nerd, and rich (which happens to nerds ALL the time), you can get plenty of women. Look at Mark Zuckerberg. You know he wasn't getting any in HS, but now? My man can probably score any girl he wants.

nerd - hey, wanna hang out sometime?
girl (any type of girl) - e-gads no! Get away from me nerd!
nerd - I'm worth 5 billion dollars.
girl (any type of girl) - Wow, my undies are chaffing me,
mind if I slip them off?

Yes, I know I referred to Mark Kuckerberg previously then posted a picture of another nerd...but my man pretty much owns the Internet now. You don't think he has the capability of looking for anyone making fun of him on it, on his territory, and can have them killed? Even if it's some idiot blogger who gets like 500 hits a month?? I may not always wear a seat belt, but I know when it's smart to play it safe.

....so, moving on...

Today's post will hopefully answer the question - If you love video games, are you a nerd and destined to be pretty much lady free during the hormones raging out of  control years? Since I will be the only test subject for this study there is a solid chance that it is not a scientific study. Oh well...

This post will be focused on the male side of nerdom only.

So what will we learn from this exercise? Probably not much.

7th grade

Zelda is one of the first games I remember being obsessed with. One of the first times I distinctively remember staying up all night was when I slept of my friend's Jerry's house. We stayed up all night playing this game and I was not even close to being tired when morning came and the sun's rays crept back in to the room. I would not be surprised if we dominated 2-3 bowls of Fruity Pebbles to get our sugar levels to an appropriate video game playing level, and kept playing for a few more hours.

And of course you know eventually I killed that punk, Ganon.

Time to tally:

1. number of girls kissed up to 6th grade - pretty sure it's zero. We will go with that
2. number of girls kissed in 7th grade - zero.
3. total number of girls kissed in my lifetime - zero.

8th grade

I stumbled across King's Quest III when I was writing a destinied to be classic story using our computer. The story started off that a friend and I were hanging with these two girls at my parent's house (wishful thinking) when something kidnapped them. Why something? Because it wasn't human that kidnapped them, but I forget exactly what it was. What I do know is that they were kidnapped, and transported to a strange world that was based on several comics from whatever was running in the papers then..think Garfield, Calvin & Hobbes, Bloom County, Peanuts, and Cathy...(haha, kidding about that last one!).

My friend and I were going to go from "land to land" (strip to strip) trying to hunt this guy down  and rescue our women with the help of some of the key characters  from the strip we were currently in (only we could go from strip to strip...because obviously it would be silly if the characters could too...and I guess the kidnapper and ladies could travel from strip to strip...but I'm sure you get the idea). You know what you don't think about when you're in 8th grade? Copyright infringement.

Anyway, one day when I was writing I came across a disk titled - Kings Quest III. I threw it in,started playing, and was instantly hooked. Why was my character this poor boy and why was he working for this mean old wizard? Oh look, he's leaving to do wizard work! I can explore this house all I want! Oh, these herbs look important, I better get them. Oh, I should probably take this bread off the table too. You never know when you may need it. And this knife. Seems important, better add that to my inventory!

(if you're in your 30s but can't relate to that last paragraph, then I have to say, I kind of feel sorry for you).

So after playing this game for a long time I finally realize I need to maneuver my little fella down this mountain to the town below. So I make my way down. Only we don't have a mouse for our computer so I need to use the arrow keys. And our computer only has the up, down, left, right arrow keys. It takes me several attempts to get to the bottom of the hill. I die several times, spazz out several more times, and may or may not have cried a bit during this whole ordeal.

Finally, however, my persistence pays off and SCORE! I AM DOWN!!

Then, on the screen the following appears:

Please insert disk 2

Disk 2? Oh, snap where is disk 2??? I need disc 2!!!

I tear through the computer desk, looking over every floppy disk over and over and over AND over again...disk 2 is not here....disk 2 would never be here. Danny would never get further than the bottom of the mountain. If I ever suffered from an undiagnosed stroke it was on that day.

Time to Tally

1. number of girls I kissed in 8th grade - zero.
2. total number of girls I kissed in my lifetime - zero
3. number of strokes in 8th grade - possibly one.

9th grade



Bard's Tale III. Many hours of my freshman year were wasted, I mean spent, playing this game. Super lame graphics but addictive nonetheless. Other things that happened My freshman year of HS? I got my first school ID card...sweet!

In case of accident call a priest?? Gee, thanks, McDevitt!

As you can tell - I'm cute as hell....still:

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls kissed in 9th grade - zero
2. total number of girls I kissed in my lifetime - zero.
3. number of girls  where I got more than a kiss (this is HS..we're on to man stuff) - zero
4. number of months it took me to get caught drinking underage in 9th grade - 3

10th grade

Might and Magic II...details about this game are not important. Why? Because it's 10th grade yo. The extremely long drought is over. Kissing a girl happens!

Background story behind this paramount moment in my life:

I was at a party with bunch of seniors when it went down, with a senior mamacita nonetheless. Yes, it was a special moment but not as special as it could have been. Why? Because I was drinking that night and I was pretty tuned up. We were alone in a room, laying on the floor. She asked for some gum. I gave her some. Next up:

Yeah, I kind of blackout...but when I come back in I'm totally making out with someone...so I was pretty psyched. It would be the only time we would ever make out. I'm not sure of all the reasons we wouldn't again, but I know one of them - I asked her I could give her a hickey. She politely declined.

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls I kissed in 10th grade - one
2. total number of girls I kissed in my lifetime - one
3. total number of girls where I got more than a kiss - one (but not without some effort...albeit a terrible one)
4. number of months it took me to get caught drinking underage in 10th grade - 3

11th grade

Before there was the Sims there was Sim City. A game I remember fondly playing for hours and hours on end. Man it took forever to get loot to buy an international airport...but man was it worth it. That put your city on the map!

Another important thing to happen is that during the summer between 10th and 11th grade I landed my first girlfriend. So....

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls kissed in 11th grade - one
2. total number of girls kissed in my entire life - two
3. total number of girls where I got more than a kiss - one
4. numbers of months it took me to get caught underage drinking in 11th grade - 3

12th grade

As you can tell, there is no video game that took over a good portion of my life senior year. This is because me and the girlfriend were in full swing at this time. And as many people know, when you get bit hard by the love bug  (I really want to punch myself using that phrase...hopefully some I know will), especially for the first time, you tend to lose interest in other things.

Other things that took a back seat:

• my friends (who hasn't been on both sides of this one)
• my guitar lessons (which didn't really matter as I sucked at guitar. Most of my lessons ended up with me practicing my fingering because I couldn't play anything. My teacher was a woman...unfortunately practicing my fingering at guitar lessons was not nearly as sexy as it sounds.
• Busch beers and Marlboro Lights
• even my prized possession - my Haro FST freestyle bike (although, to be fair, I did get my license by senior year so I was driving...still that Haro deserved better)

Did I regret any on these actions even though we broke up before I graduated? Of course not...I do what I do.

Time to Tally:

1. number of girls kissed in 12th grade - zero new ones*
2. total number of girls kissed in my lifetime - two*
3. total number of girls where I got more than a kiss - one*
4. number of months before I got caught for underage drinking in 12th grade : 8 (shortly after breaking up)

* Since senior week is technically post-HS I can't count the numbers...but they would all be higher if I did!...not by much...by very little actually...but still, higher nonetheless. (shame spiral...not because of the actual past but because I felt it important to mention this)

Final Analysis:

So does playing video games make you a nerd and thus make getting girls nearly impossible? OF COURSE NOT! Duh!....God it's good that I am the one who lives in my brain.


NEXT POST PREVIEW - How far would 4 boys around the age of 12 go to try and speed up one part of puberty?? Tune in next time for that "exciting" story!