Let Them Kiss! Let Them Kiss!

I feel it’s important, at times, to reflect on your past loves. Regardless of how you feel about any of them currently, at one point they were one of the most important people in your life (if not the most important person in your life). They helped shape you in to the person you are today and hopefully your time with that person has helped you become a better person.


This post is dedicated to some of the more important past loves of my life. I’ve even decided to rate them using a sophisticated and eloquent system that I hope you all can understand. The important thing to know is that it's based on a scale of 1 to 5, with one being the lowest and 5 being the highest.



The first would arrive in my life every year in December. It was always way too brief and went the same way every time, but it was still amazing.

And what was so special about Frosty the Snowman? Five letters...

K-A-R-E-N!!!!

Ahh yes, Karen from Frosty the Snowman. One my first crushes. What was it about her? Her big brown eyes? The pony tail? The righteous ear muffs? All of the above? Who knows and really who cares. All that I know is I cared deeply for her.

When she decided to go with Frosty to the North Pole in order to save him, I knew she was the kind of girl for me. She was adventurous, loyal, and caring.


If only I was there, Karen. I would keep you warm with my
He-Man blanket!



And she is devastated when Frosty dies.

There, there Karen. I'll comfort you. Do you want to play Matchbox Cars
or Intellivision Skiing...errr, I mean Burger Time?

Believe me, when I go I better have a woman weeping like this for me too. In fact I may need a little more...Ideally she will be throwing herself on my coffin on the casket while screaming "Please no Lord. Don't take him away from me! He's too handsome to die!" I'm not sure if I would like for this to happen at the church or the grave site but I feel I have some time to work that detail out. (thank you new diet that now includes some vegetables as opposed to the old one that included none.)


Anyway, Karen was one of my first TV crushes. 

Boner meter:

Well since I can't give anyone a zero, I'll go with 1. I was pretty young when I fell in love with her and at that point of my life any erections (haha, that word kills me) were not caused by sexual arousal and would typically happen at very inopportune times. The worst being while in class. Oh dear god, please do not call on me right now! Something is happening and I can't explain it. I just know it's something that will cause all the other kids to point and laugh at me.

My second significant crush started from a song I heard on the radio and was confirmed when I finally saw the video on Friday Night Videos. The song being "I Love Rock N Roll" and the woman being Joan Jett.

"Hi Danny. Would you like to sit next to me on the bed?"
(voice cracking) "...uhh, yes Joan Jett..."

 I was pretty obsessed with that song from the moment I first heard it. I would sit back in our home's back room going up and down the FM dial until I found a station playing the song. And when I saw the video, woah boy did I ever want to be that 17 yr old boy standing there by the record machine that she took home. A part of me still wants to be that boy she takes home. Would 8 yr old Danny known what to do if he was that boy? Of course not. Would 37 yr old Danny know what to do if he was that boy? Again, of course not.

Boner meter:








If I'm giving Karen one, I got to give Joan Jett at least 2. I mean she is actually a human as opposed to cartoon character.


When it came to the ladies of Three's Company, I thought the hottest blonde was Terri (the sexy nurse from the last season) but I pretty much always preferred Janet. What can I say, she was like wholesome version of Joan Jett.

Back in the late 70s early 80s,this is about as saucy as it got on TV.
Well TV in homes without cable....sigh...

But it had to be Janet with the hair style above. I found the curly hair Janet to be rather unappealing.

Oh...you got your perm look today... Ummm, is Terri around??

Please note that this is not how I feel about women with curly hair today. But when your a ten your old boy and an older relative says to you, when you're complaining about having curly hair, " Oh stop. Do you know how many girls would kill to have that hair?!" You're probably NOT going to like curly hair very much.

I'm a boy!!

Boner meter:

3 for straight haired Janet (I saw her more often than Joan Jett, hence the 3)

     







1 for curly haired Janet.

 A few other ladies that get three on the boner scale:

Jo from Facts of Life. Sorry Blaire, you seemed too proper for this kid.

Hello, my southern belle. I once had a saucy dream about her in my grandparent's pool with yours truly. I was probably in 8th grade.

The first cougar I fell in love with

One of the hottest TV mom's of all time, Elyse Keaton. She is also the the third gay woman to end up on this list and I'm not going to lie, I thought Jo from The Facts of Life would have made it four. Is that statement somewhat stereotypical? Perhaps, but that's what I thought.

It would have been awesome if one of my friend's
mom looked like her.

Now on to the two most important ones.

First up - Diane Lane and her portrayal of Cherry Valance. She was just plain sexy. She is just plain sexy.

Boner meter:



An easy five for Diane Lane in Outsiders.  

We should dig a little deeper when it comes to Diane Lane. Sure this post is based on my feelings for these women when I was wee lad, but Diane Lane is special and we should see how she has stands the test of time.

Here is how she was looking in the mid to late 90s.

Diane Lane in the 90s? Still yummy

90s Diane Lane boner meter:

another easy five.

and this photo was taken 2-3 years ago.

Wishful Thoughts:"You're the one writing the We're All Getting Drunk And....blog??
We should totally make out!"

2000s Diane Lane boner scale:

Yet another easy five spot. Let's just say she'll be a 5'er for life. I did give Rue McClanahan three score after all.

Diane Lane gets it. She knows there are fewer things more important than being an extremely hot girl. Do you really think that Casey Anthony would have so many fans on Facebook if she looked like Rosanne Barr? Of course not.


And finally, 80s Madonna.

Boner scale:

It was pretty much off the charts for Madonna when I was younger. She was it. She was the first one that really made me want to start exploring my body in a very private manner.  In 1984 any money I got my hands on was spent on one of two things – candy and any magazine with Madonna on the cover. If you were not old enough to fully understand the Madonna craze of the early to mid 80s and how big of an impact she had, just think Lady Gaga...if Lady Gaga had the looks to send millions of young boys in to a horny frenzy state.



if you thought the boner pictures are funny then I suggest you go to the link I borrowed them from. It's definitely worth checking out.

http://www.explosm.net/