Secrets are my Kryptonite...Well Secrets and Girls.

It's hard for me to keep a secret. OK, that's an inaccurate statement. Allow me to rephrase if you please - I CANNOT keep a secret. Like my disdain for vegetables and my love of all things awesome (examples of awesome things include - Archer, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, All Pixies songs, and air conditioning), my inability to not keep a secret is probably never going to change. If you truly want me to be the only person to know something then wait until my death bed to tell me...otherwise at least one person will eventually hear it too...and hear it a lot sooner than you could ever realize (I don't know my record for keeping a secret, but it's terribly short)...and there is a 98.65% chance that I'll be telling more than one person.

What can I say, I love the attention it brings.

Also, I love to daydream. Been doing it pretty much since I got here. I even got a U in conduct on my first ever report card of grade school. U = unsatisfactory.
 See?

While the teacher begged for me to pay attention, images of Mighty Mouse and
Capt'n Crunch danced through my head.

Notice the U in handwriting as well...a common theme during my grade school career.

But back to my daydreaming habit. Prime time drifting off to another world hours are usually from 11 pm to 3 am and  while at work, whenever I'm not busy. And lately, we haven't been busy.  Now, was it during one of these the down moments at work that I began to day dream about what it would have been like part of the Navy Seals that got Osama? I can't be too sure. What I am sure of is that I have a picture of me where it kind of sort of looks like my mind is drifting off while at work so that's what we shall go with.

'Why don't anyone come over and talk to me? I'm so lonely...uh oh, my mind
is going to that dark place again. Time to day dream...I wonder what it would
have been like if I was one of the Navy Seals that got Osama?'

Monday, April 25th 2011

Scene - DK is at the crib, keeping it real (translation - drinking beers and playing video games), when a really important person calls.

Dan : DK here. Holla!
Obama: Dan, please stop saying holla all the time. You're doing nothing embarrassing yourself.
Dan: Oh hey, Big BO! What up?
Obama (heavy sigh) :...Yeah, well anyway. I think covert operation 'Liberation Iron Eagle Apple Pie Baseball Jesus Christ Rules, Others Drool' is on. We need to know if you're in.
Dan: Oh jeez. I would LOVE to be a part of this. But I don't know if I can. See I got like 7 girlfriends and they are all always in need some serious sexing! I don't know if I can pull myself away right now.
Obama : Dan.
Dan: ......(sigh).....I'm the only one around to feed my cat....
Obama: Anything else?
Dan: Well one other thing.
Obama: What is it?
Dan: I really do NOT feel like dying! I mean if I'm going to die young I want it to be in an awesome way.
Obama: Seriously? Dying taking down Public Enemy #1 wouldn't be awesome?? What would be a more awesome way???
Dan (without hesitation): Jumping my BMX through a ring of dynamite and something going horribly wrong - after I stuck the landing of course, having some space junk fall from the sky and splatter me....dying of a heart attack sexing those 7 made up girlfriends...
Obama: OK. OK. I get it. We're looking for 3 people and we'll just ask someone else....Sorry you won't be able to one of the 3 to split the 25 million reward.
(super cheesy line alert!!!)
Dan: yeah, it's a shame alright. Well BO-izzel I guess I'll talk to you....(the realization of a huge monetary windfall kicks in)...WAIT! DID YOU SAY TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS???
Obama: I did. Sounds like I got your attention...and can you please, please, please call me President Obama??
Dan: never!
Obama (heaviest sigh of the phone call): Ugh. Fine. One last thing, and while this should be blatantly obvious, I am going to tell you. This is between me, you, the other 2 seals, and a VERY EXCLUSIVE few others. Tell NO ONE AT ALL ABOUT THIS AT ALL! I swear to $@#$#$@% to god. Keep your mouth shut about this.
Dan (not really paying attention): Uh huh. Hey Obama. You ever see the movie Friday?
Obama (clearly annoyed): Yeah. Why? And what kind of question is that when we're talking about something this paramount??
Dan (doing a poor Chris Tucker impression): Well around here, between Philadelphia and DC, we call this here a little twenty twen twen FIVE million,...
Obama: Finish that quote and I'll have the Secret Service shoot you on site.
Dan: Yes, President Obama.
Obama: OK. Further details to follow...but remember - TELL NO ONE!
Dan: You can count on me!

(seconds later)

Dan: Butters! Butters! Come quick! Where are you?? I got some news!!!

Butters: (ugh. what does that big headed idiot want now??)

Dan: Butters! I'm going to get Osama! Next week! Next week I'll be splitting 25 million with 2 other jerks! You know how many cat treats one can get with that kind of dough? How many cat toys??...How many empty beer cases for you play in??

Fancy Feast for life!!! Fancy Feast for life!!

Dan: Hell yeah, Butters! It's time to celebrate! We're going to be hella rich!!
Later that Night

Dan: TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Next week Osama will be gone and I'll be rich as hell. We'll be partying until the wee hours of the morning fools! This night is on ME!

Dan: Tonight we all flight high, like a G-6 for next week we'll be taking flights on them for real for reals! After I help rid the world of Osama! Hear that world! I'm going to be hero!

Dan(singing): Whoomp! There it is! Whoomp There it is! There's that 8.33 million coming my way for getting Osama! I got the call. Navy Seals -what what!

Tuesday Night, April 26th

Dan (singing, poorly): Because we party like it's 1999! Except is 2011...and on May 2nd, I'm going to help get that Osama fool with 2 of my Navy Seal friends. If you feel me, do the robot too!

Dan: yeah, there's no chicks with us now, but wait until I get that fool Osama, son! We'll have chicks galore then! I know you feel me! Mark it down on your calenders - May 2nd, 2011. The day Danny helped save the world!

Wednesday Night, April 27th

Dan(singing): 8.33 million = craft beers to life...equals sweet meals for life...equals sweet deals for life!
Jim: Hell yeah...even if the last thing you said didn't make much sense
Dan (still singing): Who cares Jimmy. I'm gonna be worth 8.33 million soon. what, what, what, what!

Dan(singing): We be dancing all day...we be dancing all night....don't worry Jimmy. The girls will be hanging with us soon!

Thursday Night, April 28th

Dan: See I told you! Once these girls found out about my forthcoming millions for being the team that is taking down Osama Bin Laden next Monday, May 2nd, they were all about us! True playas for life now my friend!

Friday Night, April 29th

Dan: Wait did you all here? I'm going to be an American Hero! Like Hulk Hogan times a million. May 2nd, hurry up and get here!

Saturday night, April 30th

Dan: Come on baby. I'm going away tomorrow to Pakistan. Imma be getting that fool Osama tomorrow with some of my Navy Seal friends! This could be my last night on American soil if something should go wrong. I'm just saying
Girl: Really? America knows where to find him?
Dan: Oh yeah, baby. We know where Osama has BEEN Hiden! Come on now with amazing humor like that you at least consider helping me out....
Girl: Well the problem is that you're hammered drunk, and you've been drooling a lot...even babies don't drool this much. It's kind of nauseating...I'm going to leave. Good luck with your quest.
Dan (under his breath): It's called an operation...a covert operation.
(30 seconds later)
Dan: Well no matter. Being an elite soldier in the US armed services is not without it's connections. I think I got someone here I can call.

(phone rings)

Sarah: Hello?? Hello?? Who is this?? Answer me!!!
...click...
Dan (to himself): nope, not worth it.

Sunday Morning, May 1st

Person #1 in room:  What the hell? How...how did this get leaked out?
Person #2 in room: I have no clue. President??
Obama: I am pretty sure I know who leaked it....Mother fu...

Osama Bin Laden: You foolish Americans. I know all about your plan and your "stupid club for jerks", the Navy Seals to come and try and kill me! You will never find me! If I had an awesome evil laugh I would use it now...damn, I wish I had me an evil awesome laugh...that would make me a super legit super villain fo'sho!

Monday, May 2nd

Obama: You screwed me over for the last time Dan! I want DK buried alive and I want it done by tomorrow! May 3rd will forever be known as the day we got rid of America's 2nd greatest enemy!!


Moral of the story - it's a good thing I don't have the physical abilities, the drive, and the fortitude to ever be a Navy Seal....plus I really do not like the idea of being shot.