Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Secrets are my Kryptonite...Well Secrets and Girls.

It's hard for me to keep a secret. OK, that's an inaccurate statement. Allow me to rephrase if you please - I CANNOT keep a secret. Like my disdain for vegetables and my love of all things awesome (examples of awesome things include - Archer, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, All Pixies songs, and air conditioning), my inability to not keep a secret is probably never going to change. If you truly want me to be the only person to know something then wait until my death bed to tell me...otherwise at least one person will eventually hear it too...and hear it a lot sooner than you could ever realize (I don't know my record for keeping a secret, but it's terribly short)...and there is a 98.65% chance that I'll be telling more than one person.

What can I say, I love the attention it brings.

Also, I love to daydream. Been doing it pretty much since I got here. I even got a U in conduct on my first ever report card of grade school. U = unsatisfactory.
 See?

While the teacher begged for me to pay attention, images of Mighty Mouse and
Capt'n Crunch danced through my head.

Notice the U in handwriting as well...a common theme during my grade school career.

But back to my daydreaming habit. Prime time drifting off to another world hours are usually from 11 pm to 3 am and  while at work, whenever I'm not busy. And lately, we haven't been busy.  Now, was it during one of these the down moments at work that I began to day dream about what it would have been like part of the Navy Seals that got Osama? I can't be too sure. What I am sure of is that I have a picture of me where it kind of sort of looks like my mind is drifting off while at work so that's what we shall go with.


'Why don't anyone come over and talk to me? I'm so lonely...uh oh, my mind
is going to that dark place again. Time to day dream...I wonder what it would
have been like if I was one of the Navy Seals that got Osama?'

Monday, April 25th 2011

Scene - DK is at the crib, keeping it real (translation - drinking beers and playing video games), when a really important person calls.


Dan : DK here. Holla!
Obama: Dan, please stop saying holla all the time. You're doing nothing embarrassing yourself.
Dan: Oh hey, Big BO! What up?
Obama (heavy sigh) :...Yeah, well anyway. I think covert operation 'Liberation Iron Eagle Apple Pie Baseball Jesus Christ Rules, Others Drool' is on. We need to know if you're in.
Dan: Oh jeez. I would LOVE to be a part of this. But I don't know if I can. See I got like 7 girlfriends and they are all always in need some serious sexing! I don't know if I can pull myself away right now.
Obama : Dan.
Dan: ......(sigh).....I'm the only one around to feed my cat....
Obama: Anything else?
Dan: Well one other thing.
Obama: What is it?
Dan: I really do NOT feel like dying! I mean if I'm going to die young I want it to be in an awesome way.
Obama: Seriously? Dying taking down Public Enemy #1 wouldn't be awesome?? What would be a more awesome way???
Dan (without hesitation): Jumping my BMX through a ring of dynamite and something going horribly wrong - after I stuck the landing of course, having some space junk fall from the sky and splatter me....dying of a heart attack sexing those 7 made up girlfriends...
Obama: OK. OK. I get it. We're looking for 3 people and we'll just ask someone else....Sorry you won't be able to one of the 3 to split the 25 million reward.
(super cheesy line alert!!!)
Dan: yeah, it's a shame alright. Well BO-izzel I guess I'll talk to you....(the realization of a huge monetary windfall kicks in)...WAIT! DID YOU SAY TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS???
Obama: I did. Sounds like I got your attention...and can you please, please, please call me President Obama??
Dan: never!
Obama (heaviest sigh of the phone call): Ugh. Fine. One last thing, and while this should be blatantly obvious, I am going to tell you. This is between me, you, the other 2 seals, and a VERY EXCLUSIVE few others. Tell NO ONE AT ALL ABOUT THIS AT ALL! I swear to $@#$#$@% to god. Keep your mouth shut about this.
Dan (not really paying attention): Uh huh. Hey Obama. You ever see the movie Friday?
Obama (clearly annoyed): Yeah. Why? And what kind of question is that when we're talking about something this paramount??
Dan (doing a poor Chris Tucker impression): Well around here, between Philadelphia and DC, we call this here a little twenty twen twen FIVE million,...
Obama: Finish that quote and I'll have the Secret Service shoot you on site.
Dan: Yes, President Obama.
Obama: OK. Further details to follow...but remember - TELL NO ONE!
Dan: You can count on me!

(seconds later)

Dan: Butters! Butters! Come quick! Where are you?? I got some news!!!



Butters: (ugh. what does that big headed idiot want now??)

Dan: Butters! I'm going to get Osama! Next week! Next week I'll be splitting 25 million with 2 other jerks! You know how many cat treats one can get with that kind of dough? How many cat toys??...How many empty beer cases for you play in??

Fancy Feast for life!!! Fancy Feast for life!!
Dan: Hell yeah, Butters! It's time to celebrate! We're going to be hella rich!!
Later that Night


Dan: TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Next week Osama will be gone and I'll be rich as hell. We'll be partying until the wee hours of the morning fools! This night is on ME!
Dan: Tonight we all flight high, like a G-6 for next week we'll be taking flights on them for real for reals! After I help rid the world of Osama! Hear that world! I'm going to be hero!
Dan(singing): Whoomp! There it is! Whoomp There it is! There's that 8.33 million coming my way for getting Osama! I got the call. Navy Seals -what what!

Tuesday Night, April 26th

Dan (singing, poorly): Because we party like it's 1999! Except is 2011...and on May 2nd, I'm going to help get that Osama fool with 2 of my Navy Seal friends. If you feel me, do the robot too!
Dan: yeah, there's no chicks with us now, but wait until I get that fool Osama, son! We'll have chicks galore then! I know you feel me! Mark it down on your calenders - May 2nd, 2011. The day Danny helped save the world!

Wednesday Night, April 27th

Dan(singing): 8.33 million = craft beers to life...equals sweet meals for life...equals sweet deals for life!
Jim: Hell yeah...even if the last thing you said didn't make much sense
Dan (still singing): Who cares Jimmy. I'm gonna be worth 8.33 million soon. what, what, what, what!

Dan(singing): We be dancing all day...we be dancing all night....don't worry Jimmy. The girls will be hanging with us soon!

Thursday Night, April 28th
Dan: See I told you! Once these girls found out about my forthcoming millions for being the team that is taking down Osama Bin Laden next Monday, May 2nd, they were all about us! True playas for life now my friend!

Friday Night, April 29th


Dan: Wait did you all here? I'm going to be an American Hero! Like Hulk Hogan times a million. May 2nd, hurry up and get here!

Saturday night, April 30th

Dan: Come on baby. I'm going away tomorrow to Pakistan. Imma be getting that fool Osama tomorrow with some of my Navy Seal friends! This could be my last night on American soil if something should go wrong. I'm just saying
Girl: Really? America knows where to find him?
Dan: Oh yeah, baby. We know where Osama has BEEN Hiden! Come on now with amazing humor like that you at least consider helping me out....
Girl: Well the problem is that you're hammered drunk, and you've been drooling a lot...even babies don't drool this much. It's kind of nauseating...I'm going to leave. Good luck with your quest.
Dan (under his breath): It's called an operation...a covert operation.
(30 seconds later)
Dan: Well no matter. Being an elite soldier in the US armed services is not without it's connections. I think I got someone here I can call.

(phone rings)



Sarah: Hello?? Hello?? Who is this?? Answer me!!!
...click...
Dan (to himself): nope, not worth it.

Sunday Morning, May 1st



Person #1 in room:  What the hell? How...how did this get leaked out?
Person #2 in room: I have no clue. President??
Obama: I am pretty sure I know who leaked it....Mother fu...


Osama Bin Laden: You foolish Americans. I know all about your plan and your "stupid club for jerks", the Navy Seals to come and try and kill me! You will never find me! If I had an awesome evil laugh I would use it now...damn, I wish I had me an evil awesome laugh...that would make me a super legit super villain fo'sho!

Monday, May 2nd

Obama: You screwed me over for the last time Dan! I want DK buried alive and I want it done by tomorrow! May 3rd will forever be known as the day we got rid of America's 2nd greatest enemy!!


Moral of the story - it's a good thing I don't have the physical abilities, the drive, and the fortitude to ever be a Navy Seal....plus I really do not like the idea of being shot.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Comcast- 2, Danny - 0, My Couple of Readers - A Few Minutes They Will Never Get Back

Being a comedic genius I know when trying too hard ruins the funny. Take my 3rd chat with Comcast. I went for it way too fast, the c/s reps don't get me, and it ends up being less funny than my other chats. At least I think so. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong though. If you do, I'll love you forever!

Sorry this post has no picture...the next one will have lots!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan: My Issue: looking for some sweet, sweet dealies for me!!!


analyst Jonathan has entered room

jonathanmBLD: Hello Dan, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Jonathan. Please give me one moment to review your information.

jonathanmBLD: Welcome to Comcast! How may I assist you today?

Dan: We got'em J-Bizzel! We got Osama!!! Let's celebrate by looking at my account and seeing if there are some deals out there to lower my bill!

jonathanmBLD: I can certainly help you with that, Dan.

jonathanmBLD: To start, for the integrity and security of the account. Can you please provide me with the name on the account and your account number.

Dan: Name Dan Kyle...account number - I have no clue. I could guess but that probably would be a waste of time for both of us... But to be honest I got lots of time since work is slow so I will start guessing. Is my account # 1?

Dan: or 2?

jonathanmBLD: That's alright, Dan. I just want to verify the information that you provided on the initial chat form.

jonathanmBLD: The address that you entered is: 732 JARED RD, CORELAND,PA 19075

jonathanmBLD: I just want to make sure that I'm looking at the right account.

Dan: sorry. it's Oreland. The C is my apt #

Dan: So it's 732 Jared Rd, Apt C, Oreland, PA

jonathanmBLD: Thank you for verifying, Dan.

Dan: you're welcome, holmes.

Dan: can I call you holmes?

jonathanmBLD: Yes, you may.

Dan: nice! I call everyone that. It's my thing

jonathanmBLD: For options on how to lower your bill, I would need to transfer directly to our Sales Department. They can give different options about your account and how to lower it.

Dan: Sweet. If you can make it a female sales rep that would be great, holmes. I do better with them.

jonathanmBLD: Alright. Dan. I will transfer you now. I will be providing them the details during the transfer so that it would easier for them to take a look at your account.

jonathanmBLD: Just stay connected while I transfer you.

Dan: will do, holmes. Enjoy the rest of your day! Remember to keep it real for me!

jonathanmBLD: You have a good day too!

jonathanmBLD: Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

analyst Nelson has entered room

Dan: My Issue: looking for some sweet sweet dealies for me!!!

NelsonLBOE: Welcome to Comcast Live Chat Support Sales Department. Thank you so much for your interest in bringing Comcast to your home. In line with this, we do promise to provide you the best service you deserve. You may call me Nelson, I will be your Customer Service Representative today. How are you doing today?

analyst Jonathan has left room

NelsonLBOE: You have reached the right person. I can definitely process your request and make sure that you will have the best value Comcast package that meets all your entertainment and communication needs.

Dan: I'm good Nelson! The last guy let me call him holmes...is that cool with you too? that's my thing.

NelsonLBOE: Glad to know that. Dan

NelsonLBOE: I understand that you are interested to lower your monthly bill or get the other options like special packages and promotions in your services, right?

Dan: oh and I'm good with my communicating needs. I like non-verbal forms of communicating. You know - hugs, kisses, heavy petting. That sort of thing. I just want to lower my cable bill!

Dan: So yes - looking for promotions! Holla at me, holmes.

NelsonLBOE: Thank you for confirming.

NelsonLBOE: I will work to find the best solution for you; however, please be advised that online offers are designed for new subscribers and for current ones who wish to upgrade their service/s.

NelsonLBOE: Thank you for waiting.

NelsonLBOE: Allow me to ask you a few questions in order for us to find the best solution for you.

Dan: Holmes, I have faith that you can find me something. Don't make me get the Fios...or ever worse - NO TV! The thought of that makes me physically ill. For real for real.

Dan: Anywho, ask away...I got nothing to hide.

Dan: except the hand I'm holding when I"m playing poker....you feel me, right holmes? hahahaha!

NelsonLBOE: Are you willing to lose some of your digital channels right now, and to reduce the speed of your internet service?

Dan: No. booooooooooooooooooooo to that! booooooooooooooooo! I am willing to lose Comcast though. Competitors are out there, holmes. Feeding on your customers like a chubby kid feeds on malted milk balls and cupcakes...let's find a way to get me a deal.

NelsonLBOE: Sure and since you do not want to downgrade and keep your current services, Here is what we can do for you.

NelsonLBOE: Aside that you are a loyal customer here with us, I will note your account with the concern that you want. In the meantime, please check the offers your local market has or you can call with this number 1-800XFINITY (1-800-9346489), what they can do in your account is to check the eligibilities that is available in your area in affordable rates meaning provide you the rates what is best for you. If you are not happy with their offer, you can chat back and we will be happy to complete the offer I gave you.

NelsonLBOE: So that you can get the same services for your cable and Internet plus it will reduce your bill next month.

Dan: I'm not gonna lie to ya, holmes. Dan = confused.

Dan: I do not see any deal offered.

NelsonLBOE: I do apologize for that and the rate that we can offer for you now is $63.50 for the digital starter regular rate.

Dan: what is my current rate?

NelsonLBOE: For the Internet, $26.95

NelsonLBOE: Your current rate is $171.74

NelsonLBOE: That is cable and Internet.

Dan: ohhhh....Danny a likey what he be a reading!...I think.

Dan: so what would my total be now?





Dan: NELSON!!! Why have you abandoned meeeeee???

NelsonLBOE: If we change the packages then that would be $151.25

NelsonLBOE: I'm here Dan and doing my best to resolve your concern today.

Dan: OK. and I won't loss any of my channels??

NelsonLBOE: There are only 10-20 digital channels will be lose and if you want to check that please go to this link www.comcast.com under the channel line up item.

NelsonLBOE: So that you will check and compare the channels you want to.

Dan: what? Nah, nevermind. Fios here I come!!

Dan: Just leave it as is for now....

NelsonLBOE: Since you do not want to lose channels and keeping the same services.

NelsonLBOE: Please check the market in your area anytime or you can call this number 1-800XFINITY.

Dan: Holmes, peep his counteroffer and give me your thoughts -  If you can somehow get me down to 130 a month w/o losing any channels I'll make you this deal - You, FOR FREE, can be enlisted in my class on how to win any woman's heart.

NelsonLBOE: So that you will get the same services and getting the lower rates plus it will reduce your monthly bill next month.

Dan: what do you think? My class is legit, holmes. I've made out with 3 girls over the last year ALONE!

Dan: that's a lot of play, no?

NelsonLBOE: Dan, as much as I wanted to process your order request but the available rates that I offer for you is the eligible that best can be apply.

NelsonLBOE: The only thing that we can process and change your packages is to call the number that I provide so that you will get the lower rates and eligible for you.

Dan: OK. So that's a no to my free class offer, correct? Because I'm about to pull it off the table...

NelsonLBOE: Yes Dan and you can contact now with the number that I provide you so that you will get the lower rates for your cable and Internet.

NelsonLBOE: And keeping the same services that you want.

Dan: can I ask you one last question?

NelsonLBOE: Sure and go ahead please.

Dan: Do you have the number for Fios?

NelsonLBOE: No I don't have their number Dan.

Dan: boooooooooooooooooo!

NelsonLBOE: You can just search that in to your Internet if you want.

Dan: what the F is the Internet?

NelsonLBOE: That is fiber for the Internet.

NelsonLBOE: Is there anything else I can do for you today, Dan?

Dan: just to keep on smiling and live every day it its fullest, holmes! Will you do that for me?

NelsonLBOE: Its okay and no problem for that.

Dan: Ummm. Ok, holmes...this is Danny, over and out. Peace to the nation, stay rugged and rough

NelsonLBOE: Thank you.

NelsonLBOE: Thank you for choosing Comcast and have a great day! Comcast appreciates your business and values you as a customer. Our goal is to provide you with excellent service. If you need further assistance, you can chat with one of our Customer Support Specialist. We are open to serve 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

NelsonLBOE: I hope that I was able to assist and resolve your issue for today. I would greatly appreciate it if you can spare a few seconds to take the survey on how well I assisted you when you click on END SESSION after the chat.

NelsonLBOE: Bye for now!

The chat session has been closed

NelsonLBOE: Analyst has closed chat and left the room

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

(Not) Too Small To Fail

When I was in the 5th grade our teacher asked that you raise your hand if you thought you were more mature now when compared to 1st grade...I was the only one to not raise my hand (At that time a young DK equated maturity to conformity). In 6th grade I had my first smoke. In 7th grade I drank two Busch beers on Halloween. And eventually...finally...made out with a girl when I got to HS (I was drunk and actually was blacked out during the start of it...then I un-blacked out to kissing a girl and I remember thinking 'cool, I'm finally making out with someone!'...later during the mess of this session  I asked her if she wanted a hickey....she declined...we never did make out again) Yep, I've had some pretty bad ass moments in my life.

This story is the not one of those moments. This story, like many of my life, is the exact opposite of bad ass. What is the opposite of bad ass? I don't know - maybe good penis for boys and good vagina for girls?....hmm, I may be taking a way too literal approach here. We can figure this out later. For now, we should focus more on this disaster of a story.

(side note - I seem to be in a mood for bold and italic print. I think I'll stop this now.)

The year is 81...The Phillies failed to repeat as champions during a strike shortened MLB season, Russians were Americans' excessive fear of choice, and the iconic commercial catch phrase "Where's the Beef?" was still 3 years away.


No way these ladies are still alive. RIP, funny women from the greatest commercial of all time!

I was an eight year old on my way to the church hall with my dad and my younger brother, age 6, to go through the haunted house that the high school kids put on every year. This is a very low budget affair as it was run by the local catholic school with a limit budget. The people playing parts of the ghosts, ghouls, vampires, etc were all between of the ages 14-18.

Because of this fact, the parents would wait outside as their kids went in...kind of a rite of passage of some sorts...so my dad did the same thing.

For approximately 99% of the grade school kids that walked through the 4 rooms that made up this haunted house, this was a 90 to 120 second affair with the occasional "oh man!" moment before you got a handful of candy at the end.  99% of the kids walked through without experience any sort of real terror. 99% of the kids actually found the production of the haunted house sorely lacking of anything scary.

Of that 99% was my younger brother....in that other, 1% category  - me, of course.

My terrifying ordeal pretty much started right off from the bat. My younger brother and I enter in to the first room - there is a strobe light and dry ice....the first ghoul jumps from behind a curtain, right in front us.

and I lose it...how I reacted it best summed up by the following equation:



in '02 he probably made a similar face
when Mila Kunis actually agreed to go
out with him. I still can't get over that.



X 10,000 = My reaction







My brother, on the other hand, is as calm as can be.

By the time we make our way to the 2nd room I'm already a mess. Tears are streaming down my face and all I want is to be out of this hell. Decibel levels of my screams are reaching new levels and in doing so I'm basically alerting all the other monsters that there is a terrified kid and they should all come quick because they'll actually get to truly scare someone. So they come..each one scaring me more than the last. I'm fairly sure that I am one of the few 10 yr olds who emotionally felt what Jodie Foster's character must have felt during the bar scene of The Accused....And that premise is completely ridiculous because what my eyes saw was equivalent to the the following:
not that scary


even less scary


just plain funny


But what my extremely overactive imagination was seeing was:

Good bye all! Bury me with all my toys so
no one else can play with them!


As you can tell at this point I'm pretty sure that I'm not long for this word and I start to think about stuff that I'm going to really miss.

trick or treating and all the candy it brings.
the only thing better than candy is more candy!
Cartoons



Why have you forsaken me Super Friends, Grape Ape,
and Captain Caveman?? Scooby and Shaggy, get the gang
and the Mystery Van and come save me!!
  and the women's underwear section of the Sears catalogue

sadly no Victoria's Secret catalogue in our home

All hell is breaking lose and I'm pretty much running for my dear life at this point. I'm not sure if there is a world record is for the longest constant high pitched terror scream held by a child under 10 but if there is I definitely was flirting with it that night, much to the delight of the HS kids who were throwing the haunted house...and much to the supreme annoyance of my dad who had to listen to this mess while waiting outside.

The ghosts and ghouls kept coming after me...I was basically a Pacman in desperate need of a power pellet.
Dear God, if you get me out of here I promise at my next confession I'll
give you the proper count for the number of times I took the Lord's name in vain.
And just when all hope seemed lost and I began to wonder what Heaven would be like, I got my power pellet. From an unknowing elderly couple. I assume there were walking through because their grandchild, or great grandchild, or great great grandchild (just to help you visualize how old they really be) were working the haunted house. I grabbed on to that old man's leg with such reckless abandon and squeezed so hard that if he had any heart issues I could of triggered an unfortunate "episode" of some sorts.

Still my younger brothers seems unfazed by both the horror that is engulfing us as well as the pathetic display of cowardice his older brother is showing.

So the man begins to walk with me attached to his leg because he now understands that I'm not letting go until we're either both dead or we're somehow miraculously saved.

We're kind of like these monkeys:

Except for the monkey is much younger than I am, the baby monkey's relationship to the older one is probably appropriate for such kind of clinging, and baby monkey is completely acting it's age.

The next few minutes include the old man struggling to walk with the new added weight to the lower half of one side while trying to keep his wife's hand. She has a cane and the steps do not come easy to her.

Finally a ray of hope, as I see the door...an EXIT! We're gonna make it. We are so close to it! Let's go old man! Leave the woman...she's dead weight and probably costing you a fortune in medical bills and I'm sure Medicare isn't covering everything...and it's the 80s...Reagan is probably going to get rid of it anyways. Let's go and I promise to listen to any long stories about how life was so much better back when you were young!

Sadly the man does not leave his wife behind so our trek to the exit is slow, but I still feel that I may indeed survive this ordeal (sans any dignity of course.)
Finally we get to the final small hallway...two more steps and I'm home free!

But of course it's never that easy. Not in horror movies and not now. A man, about as scary as Grandpa Munster is handing out candy as you exit and I let out one last scream while I increase the grip I have upon this poor old man's leg. One would hope the constant pressure I was putting on this man's leg didn't cause any blood clots that led to his death and the subsequent ending of his 62 yr marriage to his darling wife, but one has no way of knowing these things for sure.


ah, kid - in 3 years I would recommend you
skip watching Poltergeist..(I would not
heed this advice)

I refuse his probably poisoned candy...my younger brother does not. He receives his candy in the same calm demeanour he showed before going in and while walking through.

We exit to the cool evening and I begin what would be my first official walk of shame.